forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dick has a subreddit
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
