omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
worst night to have a conscience
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
