Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
