he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
