Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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