Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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