He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
