I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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