his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
