my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
