I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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