there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
