i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
