so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
