you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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