Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
