Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
