im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
