our cab driver is having phone sex.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
