i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
