best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
