new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
