how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
