I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
