Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
