chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
