Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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