you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
