Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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