Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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