I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
