Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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