I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
