Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
