new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
