I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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