Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize