I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
