Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.