This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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