Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
