I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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