Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
