Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
