last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
