11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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