i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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