I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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