when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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