Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is my gift to your gina
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize
