shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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