Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
