My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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