Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
