Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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